just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You pole danced in your parka.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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