Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
