He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
