I'm laying in your front yard are you home
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
