I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I touched a dick in church today
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
