i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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