there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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