I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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