I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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