hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
worst night to have a conscience
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
