I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
