never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
