when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
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Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You just missed an honest to god bukkake