I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.