If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world