one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
