Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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