I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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