If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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