Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
