Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
