If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
