did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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