life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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