when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
