just tell him i said nine months
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
