So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
