I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
