At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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