i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I am midnight drunk by noon
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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