How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sorry my hands just texted you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
