It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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