i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
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He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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