Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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