I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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