I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
whose ass print is on the piano?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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