yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
