Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
