Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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