My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
