look no pants
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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