8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
