I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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