No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
