I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
