help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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