You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
