quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It was confusing and full of hummus
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
