We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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