new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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