Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
this beer tastes like vomit already
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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