thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
