Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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