I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
