So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
