I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
