Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
